This week main highlight (besides the computing and maths tests) would of course have to be the Cultural Night performance. It would have to be my very first dance performance.
To speak the truth, never would I have imagined myself being involved in a dance performance. The thought of myself dancing would probably trigger lots of laughter from my family and my friends. Especially my sister who thinks that I’m a stone HAHA. I still think that I’m as inflexible as a tree.
To think that hours before the actual performance, I actually forgot the timings for the move. I started to rush moves and was half a beat faster.
Nonetheless it was an enjoyable performance, although it was pretty stressful.
Recently when I start attending physics tutorial, it gets me very angsty and unsure of what is happening around me. I wouldn’t expect electricity to be that bad. My face probably was as black as coal but I never liked the feeling of not knowing what is happening in class. It’s as if I might as well not go for classes because I don’t feel any connection with the subject. So far physics and computing lacks connection. Both these classes make me feel the negative aura.
Pretty sure my black face scared a lot of people to be honest. Couldn’t help it though.
There’s even more pressure when your clique is way smarter than you and you don’t understand what they are talking about? THAT’s the worse. Everyone in class seem to understand something. Ok, there is one thing I understand: I understand that I don’t know shit.
Feels like I’m in the wrong place here in university. Really, really feels like it.
who can provide me the strength, the will, the motivation to carry on? because I’m trying to find myself in this madness and no one’s stopping to help.
I’m a little unsure how it got so complicated
If I let go I know I’ll regret it.
So, during the weekend, on a particular Saturday, I had to return to school to sit for a physics mid term quiz which I was not prepared for. My mind wasn’t clear, and the knowledge just wasn’t getting into the head.
Probably going to fail quite badly this time round, which is hard to take. Not because I knew I should do better, but rather disappointing those who have thought better of me.
During the paper, my mind was constantly screaming for help. It was different from the first time where everyone was complaining about the standard of the paper. Now, even if some people said the questions were do-able or easy, I found it difficult. The steps I took to solve the questions were out of place, and answers look so suspicious.
Probably going to hit rock bottom for this.
3 more weeks to finals. I’m either going to crash and burn or make it out alive.
It better be the latter.
Was doing the online quiz for physics. This time round physics had went to electricity and electrical fields.
Made me wonder why I chose Electric & Electrical Engineering in the first place.
Everything was a blur, and concepts hard to get. As I was doing the online quiz, I used up all the hints of the mastering physics, it was that bad. Where I know somewhere in the cohort there would be a guy getting full marks as usual.
Having serious doubts about my future course now. What if it is going to be like this for the next 3 years or so? I’m quite doomed.
It wasn’t perfect: so what? Life isn’t perfect: life is what happens while you’re waiting for your moment in the sun and if you miss it, waiting instead for the perfect illusion that Hollywood sells, then more fool you.
I had enough to be honest. Throughout this few weeks, it only ascertained my belief that I was a master at nothing, and a failure in everything.
Lagging behind in dance, and can’t do front rolls and back rolls. Many people keep saying about being scared. Truth was I was more than ever wanting myself to flip over so badly. But i really couldn’t. It was like, my lower body is much heavier than my upper body. So there I was sulking about. Also, my body is stiff as fuck. No kidding. Sometimes I wished that I picked up dancing when I was probably younger, so that I can be more flexible.
They said university is a journey of self discovery. Mid semester, and it is a discovery of my failings and my incompetencies. Academically, I’m also struggling. So, I don’t know what I’m good at.
School is sucking my soul dry, thank god for the very few friends and people that keeps my flame flickering in the strong winds.
Surviving but barely breathing.