我问天

我问天

dear grandpa,

Who knew that Hemang’s latest favourite song to learn chinese, would be your favourite song as well. Your favourite taiwanese drama, where you would chuckle at the drama and everything.

You tried to tell me that the world actually is not as complicated as I would think of it. Sometimes, just like dramas, they come and go. They have a happy ending.

Grandpa, you told me that education isn’t the only thing to keep me alive. You said that the human spirit must be alive. Don’t focus on being grades all the way, you would say.

Grandpa, two spoons of anlene milk powder, cold water, top up with hot water, then spam milo powder. I know. I still use that recipe whenever I felt like drinking. The first time I made it for you, you careless man! You drank it without feeling if it’s hot. Yet you smiled and laughed it off.

Grandpa, you like to play chinese chess with me. I told you that I can only play when I was younger, I’m old now and I forgot the game. Not my cup of tea. You just continued watching me study during the weekends.

Grandpa, so that song, that song. You say the world will map out as it should be. But now, I’m asking the skies for answers. If only I could have your words of advice now. I would want to debate with you. Not everything is as good as it seems. You protected me, layered me from the harsh truths of the world.

And what is the truth? That misery strikes even the innocent, that pain and suffering knows nobody, and just hits as it pleases.

I miss your advice and words of wisdom. If we could spend another hour sipping hot tea at living room, I would trade an hour of my life to do it. An hour will do.

The world is cruel. How hard you worked, I know. Mum told me. It seems that I’m the only one who knows it too. Out in the sun, the fields, and yet you came back to give mum and her so many other siblings a stable house and comfort. There will sure be times where everything would come crashing isn’t it, grandpa? Answer me. Answer me.

Would you have known if you’re still around? I’m tired now ah pa. Heck, you probably wouldn’t have recognised me now. I knew I was mature for my super young age back then. But she’s right. It’s really getting dark here. With the few remaining people being my bright lamps, the flickering of lights in an otherwise dark empty cave.

I’m scared. I don’t show it but I’m scared. What’s going to happen to me? And like a lost child now I am actually scared of the future. Answer me grandpa, answer me. Guide me the way.

Grandpa, I write this to you. I don’t want to trouble you, I just wanted to spill out my feelings here today. Yes I’m scared. It’s dark in here. And I’m getting so numb to it. Immune to the darkness.

Grandpa, you know every time I think of that very day, my tears will be flowing inside me? Each time I mentioned it in my speech as a lesson for others, or even think of it, my tears would be swelling under those tired eyebags of mine. Those scenes of the white walls, and shell shocked faces. I should have came earlier, I really should. But I show my strength, my resilience. Only when I reach my room, all alone, where all the pent up tears slowly roll down. By then, the tears are absorbed. What remains, are tears that have overflowed.

And just like how you faced your most difficult point in life without me, it’s a reminder to myself that I must be stronger to face my problems. But times like these, grandpa, I can only appreciate your words now.

As Hemang was playing that song again, I pictured you at the sofa with your walking stick in one hand. Watching the lame show. hahaha. I thought you how to say lame. Pretty amazing huh.

You’re in a better place now. 

PS: do you have the recipe for life as well? Would gladly make you a cup of milo in return.

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s