我问天

我问天

dear grandpa,

Who knew that Hemang’s latest favourite song to learn chinese, would be your favourite song as well. Your favourite taiwanese drama, where you would chuckle at the drama and everything.

You tried to tell me that the world actually is not as complicated as I would think of it. Sometimes, just like dramas, they come and go. They have a happy ending.

Grandpa, you told me that education isn’t the only thing to keep me alive. You said that the human spirit must be alive. Don’t focus on being grades all the way, you would say.

Grandpa, two spoons of anlene milk powder, cold water, top up with hot water, then spam milo powder. I know. I still use that recipe whenever I felt like drinking. The first time I made it for you, you careless man! You drank it without feeling if it’s hot. Yet you smiled and laughed it off.

Grandpa, you like to play chinese chess with me. I told you that I can only play when I was younger, I’m old now and I forgot the game. Not my cup of tea. You just continued watching me study during the weekends.

Grandpa, so that song, that song. You say the world will map out as it should be. But now, I’m asking the skies for answers. If only I could have your words of advice now. I would want to debate with you. Not everything is as good as it seems. You protected me, layered me from the harsh truths of the world.

And what is the truth? That misery strikes even the innocent, that pain and suffering knows nobody, and just hits as it pleases.

I miss your advice and words of wisdom. If we could spend another hour sipping hot tea at living room, I would trade an hour of my life to do it. An hour will do.

The world is cruel. How hard you worked, I know. Mum told me. It seems that I’m the only one who knows it too. Out in the sun, the fields, and yet you came back to give mum and her so many other siblings a stable house and comfort. There will sure be times where everything would come crashing isn’t it, grandpa? Answer me. Answer me.

Would you have known if you’re still around? I’m tired now ah pa. Heck, you probably wouldn’t have recognised me now. I knew I was mature for my super young age back then. But she’s right. It’s really getting dark here. With the few remaining people being my bright lamps, the flickering of lights in an otherwise dark empty cave.

I’m scared. I don’t show it but I’m scared. What’s going to happen to me? And like a lost child now I am actually scared of the future. Answer me grandpa, answer me. Guide me the way.

Grandpa, I write this to you. I don’t want to trouble you, I just wanted to spill out my feelings here today. Yes I’m scared. It’s dark in here. And I’m getting so numb to it. Immune to the darkness.

Grandpa, you know every time I think of that very day, my tears will be flowing inside me? Each time I mentioned it in my speech as a lesson for others, or even think of it, my tears would be swelling under those tired eyebags of mine. Those scenes of the white walls, and shell shocked faces. I should have came earlier, I really should. But I show my strength, my resilience. Only when I reach my room, all alone, where all the pent up tears slowly roll down. By then, the tears are absorbed. What remains, are tears that have overflowed.

And just like how you faced your most difficult point in life without me, it’s a reminder to myself that I must be stronger to face my problems. But times like these, grandpa, I can only appreciate your words now.

As Hemang was playing that song again, I pictured you at the sofa with your walking stick in one hand. Watching the lame show. hahaha. I thought you how to say lame. Pretty amazing huh.

You’re in a better place now. 

PS: do you have the recipe for life as well? Would gladly make you a cup of milo in return.

 

 

Advertisements

who am i kidding? i’m not a saint. 

i choose to be easy. Give up yes.

that much more

they say, you won’t know what you have until they away what you had.

A tiring day. I wished I could have done better, honestly. Being hard on myself is the only to go to motivate me. I have to do better than 60% seriously. Just have to remember how much elitism that is going on in the family to know that you cannot drop further.

as he was climbing the stairs, the pain, the pain came again. He stopped in his tracks and clutched his knee, grimacing, suffering but he had to go on. what is this pain I’m going through? Why me? I can never know. What else do they want to take away from me, do tell me what else.

I’ll be prepared.

The thing is that it comes out of the blue. I absolutely hate it. I wish I can do things normally but imagine this spurts of pain happen again? I can’t tell anyone, no? That look in the doctor’s eyes, was like as if it was a common thing. Yes, common, but it’s affecting my life so much! I really don’t know how to deal with this anymore.

Was so lost in circuits tutorial as well. Circuits, the module I’m retaking. Yes, retaking. I really don’t know how to do. 2 hours spent in tutorial was like a waste of time.

Really am pretty damn tired. I’m tired of all these. Knee pains, mental stresses. The only thing keeping me alive is loved ones. that’s what keeps me going. Or else I’m just dead.

This post shall remain here. But till then, Ernest got to prove everyone wrong. Ernest has to work harder. Ernest has to absorb pain and know, it happens. Suck it up.

Ernest is tired. He wants to give up. But not yet. not yet.

weak

so tired of everything in all honesty. Stomach got to be stronger. Got to be stronger.

As I was climbing the stairs today my knee almost gave way. Screw that stupid knee. Random much.

 

ded

Piece of shit study so hard only 59. Previous assignment also 62.5 then after moderation become 70.. Hope got chance for second assignment to have that kinda elevation. Damn sian go waste near 3 hours on one assignment. Two trys some more so is 6 hours of my life gone. 

Oh well time to sleep